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Post by Pope on Feb 4, 2015 20:47:20 GMT
The Pope was something of an enigma. His collection of hangers-on couldn't make head nor tail of the man. In public, Innocent XI was the very image of his name. In private, not so.
He was currently draped over the arms of the Papal Throne. He was extolling the virtues of tobacco, a dried, new-world herb he had become fond of.
"You can get it in pipes, but I prefer to take it through a rolled up bit of paper," the Pope said, taking a drag on his cigar.
"And what paper can one use?" asked a Cardinal.
"Any, I suppose," the Pope said, suddenly sweating a bit, "I'm using a copy of the heretic Galileo's work," he went on, slightly louder, as Psalm 31 smouldered under his nose. Hah, genius, Pope, he thought.
"Very good," the Cardinal continued, lighting up a cigar of his own. The other Cardinals followed suit, as did the Swiss Guard, although their cigars were significantly smaller.
"What are we doing to keep the plebs in line?" the Pope asked.
"Liturgy, sir."
"And the rich?"
"Alternative interpretations to problematic verses, sir," the Cardinal continued, "But mostly rank hypocrisy."
"Ah!" the Pope smiled, blowing a smoke ring, "A much-loved alternative to fecundity. Genius, Cardinal, genius. How's that colony programme coming along?"
"Swimmingly, sir."
"Excellent."
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Post by Pope on Feb 5, 2015 23:50:24 GMT
"What news, Cardinal?" The Pope asked.
"The news at the top of the pile," the Cardinal circumlocuted. The Pope, long fed up with the man's Shakespearean turns, grimaced, and rested his head in his right hand, eyes screwed tightly shut.
"What news, Cardinal!" the Pope bellowed, "notice the comma!"
The Cardinal, abashed, looked to the floor. The Pope shrugged his eyebrows, and lit a cigar.
"Right, seriously, now," he asked again, "What's on the agenda?"
The Pope makes an edict urging true Catholic missionaries to head to Poland, to attend to the conversion of heathen masses in the lands where Orthodoxy, Judaism or ancient paganism are prevalent. To aid them in their task, 50,000 ducats are sent to the Polish King.
A further 50,000 ducats is to be spent improving the condition of the poor in the Papal States.
"But not right now," the Pope said, heading off towards the privy, "I have to give Holy Mass."
"But the chapel is that... oh, right."
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Post by The Viceroy (AdminM) on Feb 6, 2015 12:39:40 GMT
100,000 Ducats have been taken from the Papal treasury and spent as specified.
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Post by Pyotr Alekseevich on Feb 6, 2015 12:49:58 GMT
Had not the Orthodox Church in Poland and many of the adjoining territories already submitted to the Pope and re-unified the Eastern and Western faiths in the 'Treaty of Brest' some time before?
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Post by The Viceroy (AdminM) on Feb 6, 2015 13:03:54 GMT
Poland and Lithuania is an incredibly diverse country, they have Catholics, Eastern Orthodox, Protestants, Judaism and even paganism persists in some areas.
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Post by Sublime Porte on Feb 6, 2015 17:13:36 GMT
OOC: The mending of the schism in Poland-Lithuania extended only to the top echelons of the Church hierarchy and little changed in reality, beyond the image it projected and the compromises it allowed. I think it is widely agreed that the formal reunion of the Orthodox faith into the Catholic fold didn't change the practices of ordinary Orthodox on the ground. The acceptance of the treaty by the official churches also encouraged a lot of Orthodox practice to go underground instead. There are still plenty of schismatics in Poland, particularly from the Pope's point of view, the tolerant country also attracted a large amount of Jews as Admin says.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2015 12:49:37 GMT
OoC: Don't forget the substantial Greek Catholic minority in Ruthenia and Ukraine.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2015 10:43:15 GMT
10,000 ducats to be presented to his holiness with kindest regards.
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Post by Pope on Feb 12, 2015 12:35:42 GMT
"Your Holiness!" The Cardinal called to the Pope, "Your Holiness!"
"Yes, I've heard," the Pope replied, spitting a chunk of cigar out, and lighting the remainder, "The French have finally paid us what they owed for supporting their candidate in the Holy Roman Empire."
"They say they want us to-"
"Yes, I'll warrant that they have. God, these Kings... Think that paying their dues entitles them to a favour? Oy ve- I mean, Heavens. Right, suppose I'd best get to it, then, hadn't I?"
The Pope later gave a riotous sermon on the evils of Protestantism.
"And I suppose," he thundered, "Oh, well, the Dutch," he raged from on high, "It says in the Scriptures... Catholics Assemble, you know... Make of that what you will," he finished, a truly barnstorming finish. The crowd seethed with barely contained zeal.
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Post by Pope on Feb 13, 2015 0:39:54 GMT
The Pope answered his telephone.
"Yes?" he said. From the other end came a howling voice;
"DUW DUW DUW, DUW DUW DUW, MA FE'N GWEUD YN Y SGRYTHIR."
"Ah, yes," he said, and put the phone down. He remembered now; Jarl Balgruff was attacking King's Landing. The North belongs to the Starks!
He awoke, chest heaving, covered in sweat.
"Bloody weird dream," he said, and wrapped himself around the kitchen maid. Soon, he was asleep again.
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Post by Pope on Feb 25, 2015 16:50:19 GMT
The Pope is said to be completely inconsolable on hearing of the death of his cousin, Mario, the Doge of Genoa. He retires to his room for a day, and emerges, his pupils strangely pin-like, his face paler than the foulest ghoul. He bashes the Cardinal aside, muttering 'anschluss' or somesuch under his breath. The Cardinal, upon inspecting the Papal Chamber notices bite marks and punch holes on the ceiling, and is grateful that the thick oaken doors seemed to have muffled whatever rage the Pope unleashed in there.
The Pope immediately goes to the pulpit, where he rages.
"The French!" he begins, and sways about in the pulpit, "The... The laws of God! It is said in the scripture that the world in its natural state is as God the Father intended! Thus we have our order; those who are set above us are set so as God intended. Shoot for the face indeed! So say witnesses! This grave act of invading a Catholic nation WHILE THERE'S A CRUSADE ON, I MIGHT ADD, is a clear sign of French contempt for the order of God! And then, to assassinate a ruler! REGICIDE! A base crime in the eyes of God! I excommunicate the so-called Sun King. I excommunicate the Duc. I excommunicate every last soldier in the French Army! If they are true servants of Christ, they will surrender themselves from the French army, and IMMEDIATELY journey to Poland, where their sins may be washed in the blood of the Crusade."
"ELSE!" he bellowed, causing the audience to jump.
"THEY WILL BE CAST INTO THE... into the... the..."
The Pope sways once more.
"The hellfires. Excuse me."
The Pope strides from the podium. Away from public eyes, he retires to his bedchamber, where it is said the Holy Father is grievous sick.
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Post by Pope on Feb 25, 2015 16:57:49 GMT
"AND NOW THEY SHOT HIM IN THE BACK!" TThe Pope howls horizontally from his bed.
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Post by Pope on Feb 27, 2015 14:43:33 GMT
The Holy See is grieved to announce the death of Pope Innocent XI. The Pope had been ill for some time with what his physicians suspected to have been kidney stones. The duress of recent events weighed heavily on his heart, and he spent his final few days at rest, comforted by favoured clerics and close members of his family.
Prior to his death, the Pope declared his right-hand man, the Cardinal, Preferatus before a collection of Cardinals. The College of Cardinals convened in conclave for a week, before white smoke was seen coming from the Sistine Chapel chimney. The Cardinal had indeed been elected Pope, and has taken the name of Sebastian I.
Pope Innocent XI has been interred. His spirit has undoubtedly ascended into heaven, and many will fondly remember his actions on behalf of the poor, the downtrodden. Truly, he was a servant of Jesus Christ.
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Post by The Viceroy (AdminM) on Mar 11, 2015 16:30:05 GMT
Sebastian is elected under dubious circumstances. Rumours of Papal intrigue are abound, particularly due to heavy opposition of his candidacy from French Cardinals.
The Papacy gains the 'Papal Intrigue' national modifier, this replaces 'Money-Lender.'
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